This weekend was the annual Brew Festival in our little town, an event that manages to draw in somewhere around seventy thousand people. As is to be expected the Wise Woodies were there in high form, unfortunately this Woodie had a not so great time due to a poor decision on my part. We were all together and well on our way to buzzville. Captain Joe left first and was the smart one, GB and I drank longer and then even he had to take off. If I had been smart I wouldn’t have bought his drink tokens off of him and left myself. But no, Bruno isn’t that smart. So I ended up with a chick that I only managed to get away from at the last minute and have to deal with until I can shake for good.
For this reason I have come up with the new rules for checking myself when I am drinking heavily and accosted by a woman who, thanks most likely to beer goggles, looks really fucking good.
1. Never think that you are immune to beer goggles. The minute you start to think that it means that you are wearing the biggest pair ever made.
2. Check with a friend. If your buddies are good ones they’ll stop you. If you don’t trust the first one you ask, or are too drunk to believe him, ask a second. Never doubt them when you get the same answer twice.
3. Don’t show up at your friends house with her, even if they begged you to come over after you were finished drinking. Chances are they will already be passed out since they went home and then you are waking them up in the middle of the night with a strange girl in your wake.
4. Never give out your real phone number if you are unsure of yourself. Ask for hers and say you’ll call her. If she wants yours give her a fake one. If she presses you about it being real, which happens, tell her of course it is and she could call you right then to talk except your phone is dead.
5. Never go to your house. If at all possible go to hers, if she lives really far away just bag the whole affair. Why? Because you don’t want her knowing where you live and you don’t want to wake up at her house in Bum Fuck Egypt. Especially if you have to work the next day.
Hopefully I can adhere to these newly minted and badly needed rules. Maybe I should get them tattooed somewhere easily accessible…